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Reports 2006/07 Season
Westbury Celtic Res. 3-1 Barbourne Celtic
Team - M Pulver 7, Peters 9*, Day
8, McCabe 8, Tredwell 6, Bowman 7, Adams 7, B Austin 7,
O'Donnell 7, Chance 7, Barratt 6
Subs - Meyrick 7, A Austin 4
Weather - Glorious day for getting
mashed!
Attendance -18 - Including ex Wimbledon striker Dean
Holdsworth, the reserves new signing? Watch this space!
Dressing Room Gossip - Has anyone noticed the sexual
tension between Tyler Peters and Aaron Austin? I think there
could be a romance blossoming there!
Funniest Moment - Derick Adams refusing to sign a new
contract until he’d seen his team mates homemade mobile phone
porn antics!
Post Match Grub -Sausage and Chips, at f***king last!
Post Match Drinks – A good turn out as the reserves hit
the hip bars of the Castle, Wezzie, Hopole and the Star and
Garter wine bar.
Best sex this week - Kev Moulds boxer dog who pinned
linesman Tyler Peters to the floor and bummed him! Did anyone
notice Aaron Austin go green with envy?!
Man of the Match - Simon Peters, great footballer,
great dancer!
The Match
Martin McCabe put his first ever lovers tiff with Laura
McCabe behind him as he struck a fine hat-trick to defeat
Barbourne as Westbury Celtic Reserves wrapped up a fine season
by claiming fourth spot in the league.
Olly O'Donnell returned from suspension
and Steve Barratt was handed his yearly start as the hosts
took an early lead through McCabe's strike, it then seemed a
matter of how many the reserves would notch up as they went on
to dominate the game but continued to blow chance after chance
and the game was only put to bed in the final quarter as
McCabe hammered home his second before capping an impressive
season with a great solo effort to complete his hat-trick
although Barbourne snatched a late consolation with a fine
free kick near the end.
And so a good end to a good first season
in Division Two for the Reserves, having managed to overcome
goalkeeping problems early on they then went onto lose key
players Ricky Hastings and Simon Peters for lengthy spells ,a
disappointing April saw us lose Millicchio, Meyrick and
O'Donnell as we crashed out of the top three and two cups,
so its important we keep the squad together and maybe add one
or two new faces as next season I'll be expecting to push on
for the tile
And so onto the boozing and as Woody set
his sights on one title he was forced to watch another slip
through his grasp as Chelsea failed to beat Arsenal, much to
the amusement of his team-mates, but his spirits were lifted
as veterans Pepsi, Decker and Fozzie all agreed new contract
extensions, and with that news Woody and his new backroom
staff member big Gav stumbled off on a mission into the
thriving Droitwich city centre on the lookout for new talent,
however following numerous drinks later the signings of spa
trio Westy, Olly and Duggo, followed by Nezzy, Dean Smith,
Wayne Smith and Nev can't really be considered new or
talented! (apart from you Nev!)
And as Woody awoke in the spare room the
following morning with a sore head and a kebab he was
beginning to regret the new signings, I don’t f***ing want any
of you! I was very drunk! (apart from you nev!)
And so finally a few thank-you's
To once again the players whose attitude,
commitment and performance have been first class, proud of you
all.
Rob Meyrick - Great player, great
assistant, great spread sheets!
The Westbury committee for once again
putting up with me, I know its not easy!
To Smithy and Gand for lending me players
whenever they could
Me old man and Bowman for chauffeuring me
around!
Fozzie – who makes my day when I see
those big white teeth pull up in the pimp mobile on a Sunday
morning!
Stuart Perry and Kev Halsall – you do
make me laugh, I've deleted your numbers!
Tizzy and Frizzy Adams for driving me up
the wall!
Big Gav and Dom for their continued
support
The crazy asylum seeker – Immigration
have been called, don’t unpack your going back
To me missus and Zeus for continuing to
listen to me talk s*** when I get home drunk on a Sunday, or
any other nite of the week for that matter!
And finally Jose Mourinho who continues
to be the only reason I get out of bed each day, head up son,
we cant win them all, we'll be back
Westbury
Celtic 9-0 Sporting Worcester
Team - Jenkins 8, Tredwell 8, Chance 8, Peters 8, Adams
8, A Austin 7, McCabe 8,
Hastings 7, Day 8, M
Pulver 9*, D Pulver 7
Subs – Barratt 7, Bowman 8, B Austin 6
Weather – Fine
Attendance – 40, including most of the first team
‘Let’s hit the pole with the Pole’
Funniest Moment – Dean Smith whipping his top off to
invite the crazy asylum seeker to ”Come and dance with the
Daddy”!
”I used to **** kids like you in prison” snarled Smith
”You’ve never been in prison” grinned Pepsi!
Best Sex This Week – Matt Chance – His eyes lit up as
he told us about the rampant rabbit he’s just bought!
Post Match Drink – The Castle – A fine turnout –
Amazing how a good dust up brings people out for a few beers!
Man of the Match – Martin Pulver – A vintage
performance – S***!, I suppose he’ll want a new contract now!
The Match
Westbury Celtic Reserves returned to goal-scoring form in
style with a 9-0 thrashing of Sporting Worcester in a bizarre
morning down Kingy’s.
With the home side struggling for numbers, Woody’s selection
problems took a dramatic twist with the news that the first
team game had been called off. But he kept faith with the
Pulver brothers who started a game together for the first time
this season along with Ricky Hastings as Sean Jenkins returned
in goal.
With Marty P and Hastings looking a bright combination up
front, both missed good chances along with Austin and McCabe
as it appeared to be one of those games again until Martin
Pulver and Derick Adams both struck before half time.
The second period was barely ten minutes old when Pulvers
header and a superb Aaron Austin strike saw the reserves go
four up. But the game was marred by an off the ball incident
involving Matt Chance and the crazy asylum seeker up front for
Sporting Worcester which sparked a mass brawl and also saw the
visitors reduced to 10 men. Calm was eventually restored and
then Worcester found themselves down to 9 men when their
midfielder bizarrely just walked off.
Woody saw this as a great opportunity to go 4 up front and off
the bench came Barratt and Bowman. Barratt netting his
seasonal superb strike before Bowman, fresh from the advice
from O’Donnell that he doesn’t score enough, netted two fine
goals followed by a two fingered salute to the little spotty
Irish pikey-boy.
To make matters worse for O’Donnell, McCabe struck an eighth
(the pair of them have a bet who scores the most goals!)
Amazingly there was still time for Worcester to go down to 8
men following a sending off for handball, and as the whole
team rushed to take the ensuing penalty, there was no way they
were\going to wrestle the ball off Martin Pulver who rammed
home for his hat-trick before running to celebrate in front of
Martin Smith! (Oh….Happy Families!)
But the mornings entertainment was far from over as the crazy
Asylum seeker returned armed with golf balls and a stick to
try and take on the Reserves and eventually ended up trying to
take on the whole of Kingys’!! I suppose when you’ve been
fighting wars all your life, a scrap in a car park is nothing
really!
Apologies to the team on pitch 4 who lent us their Fishing net
to get the balls out of the canal – we broke it over the crazy
asylum seekers head! (I suppose that’s Westbury banned from
Shakeey’s Kebab House)!
Special mention to Referee Laura Gough who handled the
situation well and appeared to have a nice pair of breasts.
”Do you fancy a drink, Ref?” asked Barry Austin
”No thanks, I’ve just had one” she replied
”I meant after the game” said Austin!!
(What a porn video that would have made!)
Westbury Celtic Reserves 2-2 Droitwich Spa Eagles
Team - M Pulver 8, Tredwell 8, Peters 8, Ross 8, A
Austin 9, Singh 7, Day 8, McCabe 9, Forrester 7, Adams 10*,
Campbell 8
Sub – Hastings 7
Weather – Quite Cold – Light Drizzle
Attendance – Highest crowd of the season 71. Including
Channers workmates who came to see him…….run the line!
Dressing Room Gossip – Ian ‘Mark Fowler’ Bowman is on
tablets which are prescribed for people with aids!! (HE AIN’T
INVITED TO THE END OF SEASON DO!)
Funniest Moment – The Pepsi and Tyler show, it’s like
taking Tom & Jerry to the pub. I’ve had to a decision – I
can’t have both of them in the same team next season – it will
lead to a nervous breakdown……Mine!
Best sex of the week – DERICK ADAMS – That smile is
back on his face!! If he can do that on a football pitch for
90 minutes at his age, I can only imagine what he’s doing to
his new bird!
Post Match Drink – The Castle listening to Tom & Jerry
Peters feuding!
Man of the Match – Derick Adams – Simply the Best.
The Match
A disputed goal denies Westbury Celtic a deserved 3 points in
a thrilling 2-2 draw in this top of the table derby.
The home side were up for it from the start as they controlled
most of the first half but fell behind against the run of play
as Hodgetts turned and struck a fine opener for the Eagles.
But the reserves came storming back with Forrester, Singh and
Campbell all going close before Martin McCabe jinked his way
past 4 players before his cross was met by a superb diving
header from Derick Adams.
The home side continued to dominate the second half with
McCabe, Austin and Adams outstanding in midfield and it wasn’t
long before they took the lead. Adams again heading home
Campbell’s great cross.
Carl Forrester twice missed good chances before Ricky Hastings
came off the bench to miss 3 golden one on one opportunities
to kill the game off.
As the inevitable killer blow came deep into injury time,
following an Eagles corner, Referee basil ‘Fawlty’ Gough
appeared to be the only one on King Georges’ who failed to
spot a push on Simon Peters as the ball was scrambled into the
back of the net. In the furious protests that followed,
Neville Campbell was red carded for dissent as more complaints
followed at the final whistle.
It’s a good job I didn’t have to face a press conference
afterwards! (I know how Jose feels!)
Many thanks to Porn Star Laura McCabe for getting us pitch two
again. (It’s amazing what a threat to leak her video to the
Internet will do!)
Westbury Celtic Reserves 0-0 Comer Rangers
Team:
Pulver, M 7, B Austin 7, Tredwell 7, Peters 8*, McCabe 5,
McSingh 5, Bowman 6, Adams 6, Campbell 7, Forrester 6, Austin
Subs: Day 7
Weather
– Another fine April evening
Attendance – 25 including the legend Pat Nally who had
come to watch his young son Kerry 'Dixon' Nally who was on the
Westbury Bench. (Anyone who is named after Kerry Dixon is
welcome in my team!
Dressing Room Gossip - Mindi Singh telling us was
Scottish!!
Funniest Moment – On hearing that Rob 'Pro' Procopiu had
decided to retire following the Star & Garters 'double header'
the previous week in which he got a minute in both games!
Post Match
Drink –
The Castle - A couple of pints before the
night-shift worked a treat!
Post match Grub - A trip to McQueen's street Kebab
House - he may be Scottish but he still does a mean Chicken &
Doner mix.
Who had the best sex this weekend – You're joking! - We
couldn't score in a brothel!!
Man of the Match – Simon Peters - Immaculate.
The Match
Rearrange the words COWS, HIT, BANJO, ARSE AND COULDN'T
and you will probably find out how Westbury manager Woody is
feeling lately as the Reserves failed to find the net for the
fourth time in five games in another disappointing goal-less
draw at home to comer Rangers.
It was another strong Westbury team on paper with Carl
Forrester and Nev Campbell returning up front with Ian Bowman
and Aaron Austin returning in midfield as the home side nearly
took the lead in the opening minute when McCabe burst through
to set up Campbell who missed from close range.
Campbell, Adams and McCabe all missed chances within the first
quarter as the rest of the half turned into a long ball
scrappy affair as Westbury were met by a furious management at
the interval.
Things began to improve after the break as Westbury finally
began to get the ball down and pass as Campbell and Adams both
mis-kicked from yards out before Forrester, McCabe and
Campbell all fired wide of the target as they continued to
waste chance after chance as another frustrating evening drew
to a close as Woody stormed off to work to dream of Darren
Middleton!
Westbury
Celtic Res. 4-2 New Inn Claines
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