Westbury Celtic Football Club

2006/07

And finally Jose Mourinho who continues to be the only reason I get out of bed each day, head up son, we cant win them all, we'll be back

Westbury Celtic 9-0 Sporting Worcester

Team - Jenkins 8, Tredwell 8, Chance 8, Peters 8, Adams 8, A Austin 7, McCabe 8,

Hastings 7, Day 8,  M Pulver 9*,  D Pulver 7

Subs – Barratt 7, Bowman 8, B Austin 6

Weather – Fine
Attendance – 40, including most of the first team ‘Let’s hit the pole with the Pole’
Funniest Moment – Dean Smith whipping his top off to invite the crazy asylum seeker to ”Come and dance with the Daddy”!
”I used to **** kids like you in prison” snarled Smith
”You’ve never been in prison” grinned Pepsi!
Best Sex This Week – Matt Chance – His eyes lit up as he told us about the rampant rabbit he’s just bought!
Post Match Drink – The Castle – A fine turnout – Amazing how a good dust up brings people out for a few beers!
Man of the Match – Martin Pulver – A vintage performance – S***!, I suppose he’ll want a new contract now!

The Match
Westbury Celtic Reserves returned to goal-scoring form in style with a 9-0 thrashing of Sporting Worcester in a bizarre morning down Kingy’s.
With the home side struggling for numbers, Woody’s selection problems took a dramatic twist with the news that the first team game had been called off. But he kept faith with the Pulver brothers who started a game together for the first time this season along with Ricky Hastings as Sean Jenkins returned in goal.
With Marty P and Hastings looking a bright combination up front, both missed good chances along with Austin and McCabe as it appeared to be one of those games again until Martin Pulver and Derick Adams both struck before half time.
The second period was barely ten minutes old when Pulvers header and a superb Aaron Austin strike saw the reserves go four up. But the game was marred by an off the ball incident involving Matt Chance and the crazy asylum seeker up front for Sporting Worcester which sparked a mass brawl and also saw the visitors reduced to 10 men. Calm was eventually restored and then Worcester found themselves down to 9 men when their midfielder bizarrely just walked off.
Woody saw this as a great opportunity to go 4 up front and off the bench came Barratt and Bowman. Barratt netting his seasonal superb strike before Bowman, fresh from the advice from O’Donnell that he doesn’t score enough, netted two fine goals followed by a two fingered salute to the little spotty Irish pikey-boy.
To make matters worse for O’Donnell, McCabe struck an eighth (the pair of them have a bet who scores the most goals!) Amazingly there was still time for Worcester to go down to 8 men following a sending off for handball, and as the whole team rushed to take the ensuing penalty, there was no way they were\going to wrestle the ball off Martin Pulver who rammed home for his hat-trick before running to celebrate in front of Martin Smith! (Oh….Happy Families!)
But the mornings entertainment was far from over as the crazy Asylum seeker returned armed with golf balls and a stick to try and take on the Reserves and eventually ended up trying to take on the whole of Kingys’!! I suppose when you’ve been fighting wars all your life, a scrap in a car park is nothing really!
Apologies to the team on pitch 4 who lent us their Fishing net to get the balls out of the canal – we broke it over the crazy asylum seekers head! (I suppose that’s Westbury banned from Shakeey’s Kebab House)!
Special mention to Referee Laura Gough who handled the situation well and appeared to have a nice pair of breasts.
”Do you fancy a drink, Ref?” asked Barry Austin
”No thanks, I’ve just had one” she replied
”I meant after the game” said Austin!!
(What a porn video that would have made!)

Westbury Celtic Reserves 2-2 Droitwich Spa Eagles

Team - M Pulver 8, Tredwell 8, Peters 8, Ross 8, A Austin 9, Singh 7, Day 8, McCabe 9, Forrester 7, Adams 10*, Campbell 8

Sub – Hastings 7

Weather – Quite Cold – Light Drizzle
Attendance – Highest crowd of the season 71. Including Channers workmates who came to see him…….run the line!
Dressing Room Gossip – Ian ‘Mark Fowler’ Bowman is on tablets which are prescribed for people with aids!! (HE AIN’T INVITED TO THE END OF SEASON DO!)
Funniest Moment – The Pepsi and Tyler show, it’s like taking Tom & Jerry to the pub. I’ve had to a decision – I can’t have both of them in the same team next season – it will lead to a nervous breakdown……Mine!
Best sex of the week – DERICK ADAMS – That smile is back on his face!! If he can do that on a football pitch for 90 minutes at his age, I can only imagine what he’s doing to his new bird!
Post Match Drink – The Castle listening to Tom & Jerry Peters feuding!

Man of the Match – Derick Adams – Simply the Best.

The Match
A disputed goal denies Westbury Celtic a deserved 3 points in a thrilling 2-2 draw in this top of the table derby.
The home side were up for it from the start as they controlled most of the first half but fell behind against the run of play as Hodgetts turned and struck a fine opener for the Eagles. But the reserves came storming back with Forrester, Singh and Campbell all going close before Martin McCabe jinked his way past 4 players before his cross was met by a superb diving header from Derick Adams.
The home side continued to dominate the second half with McCabe, Austin and Adams outstanding in midfield and it wasn’t long before they took the lead. Adams again heading home Campbell’s great cross.
Carl Forrester twice missed good chances before Ricky Hastings came off the bench to miss 3 golden one on one opportunities to kill the game off.
As the inevitable killer blow came deep into injury time, following an Eagles corner, Referee basil ‘Fawlty’ Gough appeared to be the only one on King Georges’ who failed to spot a push on Simon Peters as the ball was scrambled into the back of the net. In the furious protests that followed, Neville Campbell was red carded for dissent as more complaints followed at the final whistle.
It’s a good job I didn’t have to face a press conference afterwards! (I know how Jose feels!)
Many thanks to Porn Star Laura McCabe for getting us pitch two again. (It’s amazing what a threat to leak her video to the Internet will do!)

Westbury Celtic Reserves 0-0 Comer Rangers

Post Match Drink – The Castle - A couple of pints before the night-shift worked a treat!
Post match Grub - A trip to McQueen's street Kebab House - he may be Scottish but he still does a mean Chicken & Doner mix.
Who had the best sex this weekend – You're joking! - We couldn't score in a brothel!!

Man of the Match – Simon Peters - Immaculate.

The Match
Rearrange the words COWS, HIT, BANJO, ARSE AND COULDN'T and you will probably find out how Westbury manager Woody is feeling lately as the Reserves failed to find the net for the fourth time in five games in another disappointing goal-less draw at home to comer Rangers.
It was another strong Westbury team on paper with Carl Forrester and Nev Campbell returning up front with Ian Bowman and Aaron Austin returning in midfield as the home side nearly took the lead in the opening minute when McCabe burst through to set up Campbell who missed from close range.
Campbell, Adams and McCabe all missed chances within the first quarter as the rest of the half turned into a long ball scrappy affair as Westbury were met by a furious management at the interval.
Things began to improve after the break as Westbury finally began to get the ball down and pass as Campbell and Adams both mis-kicked from yards out before Forrester, McCabe and Campbell all fired wide of the target as they continued to waste chance after chance as another frustrating evening drew to a close as Woody stormed off to work to dream of Darren Middleton!

Westbury Celtic Res. 4-2 New Inn Claines

In the dressing room after a loan voice said …”has anyone texted Woody the result?” the response “Woody who?”

Westbury Celtic Res. 1-3 Wilson RSVP XI

Man of the Match - Aaron Austin - Worked his socks off shame others didn't.

The Match
Westbury Celtic blew their promotion hopes with a 3-1 defeat at home to an impressive Wilson RSVP in this midweek Worcester League Division 2 clash.
Aaron Austin, Matt Day, Ryan Greenfield and Rob Meyrick were all handed starts as the home side dominated the first half. Derick Adams twice forced the visiting keeper into fine saves whilst Simon Peters drove wide when clean through. But the all important breakthrough came just before the break when Aaron Austin superbly volleyed in Ryan Greenfield's corner.
But once again the reserves never got going in the second period and after a scrappy 20 minutes a long hopeful punt upfield led to hesitation from Meyrick and Jenkins gifting Wilsons an equaliser.
And with Westbury heads down, the visitors went on to dominate the reainder of the game adding two superbly struck second goals leaving the reserves licking their wounds in the dressing room afterwards as a few home truths were told.
Any truth in the rumour Ian Bowman was seen having lunch with Steve Charlwood the following day?

Westbury Celtic Res. 0-3 Sporting Harborne (Bromsgrove Charity Cup Semi Final)

Weather - Another wind spoilt day at Kingy's - S***-Hole!
Attendance - 29 including most of the Westbury Celtic Committee who unfairly taunted a dejected manager Wood on a lonely walk back to the changing room with cries of "You don't know what you're doing!" and "Are you McClaren in disguise!"
Dressing Room Gossip -  The one time golden boy of the canal end, Ricky Hasting, is back! He looked like he had been sleeping rough there for the last four months. A classic example of fame going to a young mans head!
Funniest Moment – I can't believe I fell for Kevin Halsall turning up again! he was up, he was on his way - and still didn't arrive? What did he do? Where did he go? Who was he with? If he doesn't turn up next week I'm going to report him as a missing person! I have to laugh or else I'll end up crying - LITTLE TW*T!
Post Match Drink – A sober mood in the Castle only brightened up when Martin McCabe admitted to "checking out men who looked good on a night out"?? And then spending the next hour trying to convince us he wasn't gay! Then his phone rings and he's got a Justin Timberlake ringtone! The games up McCabe - You're video was a cover-up you first team Faggott!
Post Match Grub – As from today, this part of the report will be cancelled due to the lack of food - and will be replaced with the 'who had the best sex this weekend' as from next week!


Man of the Match – Neville Campbell - Once again stepped in to help the reserves out, and once again didn't disappoint.

The Match
Westbury Celtic Reserves crashed out of the Bromsgrove Charity Cup Semi Final with a 3-0 defeat at home to Sporting Harborne.
The home side were missing regulars McCabe, Bowman, Meyrick, O'Donnell and Milicchio which meant late call ups for Aaron Austin and Nev Campbell and also saw the long awaited return of Ricky Hastings.
In a game spoilt by the windy conditions, it was Harborne who came out all guns blazing and took an early lead when Sean Jenkins beat out a powerful shot only to be beaten by the rebound. But Westbury weathered the storm and competed well with the tackles flying in and enjoyed their best spell of the game before the break with Mindi Singh twice going agonisingly close. But it was Harborne who started the second half the strongest again and struck the killer blow following a mistake by Jenkins. The visitors were now well on top and despite the efforts of Peters, Austin and Chance the Reserves fell further behind when a strike from the edge of the box left Jenkins routed to the spot.
But to their credit, Westbury never gave up and Matt Chance volleyed over from close range and Martin Pulver drove inches wide. But it was Sporting Harborne who deservedly went through to the final 3-0 winners.
 

Westbury Celtic Reserves 0-0 Wilsons RSVP XI

Droitwich Eagles 0-0 Westbury Celtic Reserves

Weather - Glorious Sunshine - Nearly as bright as Wayne Pugsley's little girlie white socks - what's the bet he wears them on a night out?
Attendance - 41 - A star studded crowd which finally included a few of my mate! Tudge, Last, Denton, Oswell and Shore who couldn't wait to tell me how s*** we were and how much better they used to be!!
Dressing Room Gossip -  Following a kick in the head from Ian Bowman, Marty P has broken his eye socket. Get well soon son, you're in goal next week!
Funniest Moment – Steve Barratt was taking the micky out of Drey's run and then tripped over and fell flat on his face!

Post Match Drink – The Red Lion - And to all those people who were cheering and texting me when Chelsea were 3-1 down at half time..... F****** SIT DOWN!
Post Match Grub – My fingernails!


Man of the Match – Rob Meyrick - Again the leader of another great defensive performance from Jenkins, Tredwell and Chance.

The Match

A goal-less draw gave both sides a hard earned point in the big game of the day in Division 2 as Droitwich Spa Eagles entertained Westbury Celtic in this local Derby.
In a scrappy first half with no clear chances it was Westbury who did all the pressing for the all important opener in the second period. Carl Forrester and Andrea Miliccio twice skipped past twinkle toes Pugsley before being denied by the keeper. Bowman and Forrester were then both denied by goal clearances as the visitors upped the tempo.
Aaron Austin and Matt Day came off the reserves bench on the hour to liven up the flanks and it was Day who charged down the right before being hauled down by Perma-Tan Pugsley as Referee Basil 'Fawlty' Gough pointed to the penalty spot, only to change his mind and award a free kick. Not the first of a number of strange decisions by a very strange man.
On the bright side, it was to be Pugsley's last contribution to a woeful performance for the Eagles when he was substituted shortly afterwards - Rumour has it he had to be at the launderette for opening time to drop his dirty gay white socks off!
But despite late pressure by both sides, neither could breakdown two solid defensive performances an a day when Perowne Park looked to be the only winners of a disappointing day.
Ando also a day when Woody found out you can actually dislike someone because you just don't like their socks!

Westbury Celtic Reserves 4-0 The Courtyard
No Report....Woody away!

 

Westbury Celtic Reserves 1-3 Perowne Park Rangers
No Report....No Excuse!
 

Westbury Celtic Reserves 1-0 Rubery RBL (Bromsgrove Charity Cup)

Weather - Frosty/Sunny
Attendance - 26 including Rafa Wallis, that man can smell a Cup Final a mile off!
Dressing Room Gossip -  Derick Adams is dating a former Miss UK!
Funniest Moment – Their linesman falling over - Arse over tit! And O'Donnell falling from a great height onto his face! It's just the lack of sympathy that's amusing!


Post Match Drink – The Castle, White Hart Inn, Bull Inn
Post Match Grub – "Can we order some food for our football team, please?"
                              "No!"
                              "Thanks!"
                              Why do we bother going up there?.....it's S***!


Man of the Match – Richard Tredwell - Unsung hero who deserves it....and deserved Nana Tredwells Pork stew after this display!

The Match

Ian Bowmans header was enough to send Westbury Celtic Reserves into the Bromsgrove Charity Cup Semi Final in a 1-0 victory over Rubery RBL.

In an unchanged line up after a scrappy opening period, Westbury began to take charge of the Cup tie with Carl Forrester twice bursting through one on one with the keeper but twice coming off second best to fine saves. Bowman, Adams and O'Donell also squandered golden chances as the teams went in goal-less at half time.
But the all important break-through came after the break when skipper Ian Bowman headed home Rob Meyricks corner. But Westbury continued to miss chances to kill off the game following poor finishing from Forrester and Miliccio and although Rubery piled on the pressure in the final quarter, they couldn't break down a fine reserves defence of Tredwell, Chance and Jenkins led superbly by the old war horse Rob Meyrick.

Barbourne Celtic 2-10 Westbury Celtic Reserves

Weather - Bright but Cold
Attendance - 6 including Dom the 'Milk Tray Man' who according to my spies has 2 women on the go!
Funniest Moment – Watching the Barbourne defence fight each other after the 9th goal went in!
Dressing Room Gossip -  Webby for Westbury?

Post Match Drink – The white Hart - Unfortunately O'Donnell found us and bored us to death about his hat-trick and then insulted everyone's girlfriend!
Post Match Grub – Salt & Vinegar Crisps.


Man of the Match – Ian Bowman - A Captains performance - not sure about the Alan Partridge driving gloves he had for Christmas though!

The Match
Following an extended Christmas break, Westbury Celtic Reserves returned in style with a 10-2 hammering of Barbourne to send them second in the table.
After a quick inspection of Christmas belly's before the game, it appeared that only Fatty Chance had gone one selection box too far as the reserves kicked off looking lean and mean as Andrea Milicchio thumped in an early opener. Dead Ball specialist Ollie O'Donnell then added a superb second (anyone notice the similarity between him and Franco Zola? Both pig ugly but take a good free kick!) Before Meyrick, Millichio and O'Donnell again netted to see Westbury 5-0 up before half time.
But credit to Barbourne who never gave up and twice sprang the offside trap to pull two goals back with linesman Woody away with the pixies! (it was that special tobacco I had for Christmas!)
The visitors continued to run riot in the second half and Carl Forrester (inspired by the previous evenings trip to the Odeon to see Rocky) added his 11th and 12th goals of the season before Ollie O'Donnell completed his hat-trick (rumour quickly spread round the pitch not to tell him where we were going for a drink after!) and with the Barbourne defence now trying to kill each other, it was no surprise when a solo effort from Martin McCabe and a Darren Hinton free kick wrapped up a fine mornings work.
-And for anybody reading this who's thinking of going to see the New Rocky Film, Fozzie said he loses on points at the end......Cheers Foz, saves me wasting a tenner taking the Mrs!
 

AFC Severnside 1-2 Westbury Celtic Reserves

Weather - Glorious Sunny Day
Attendance - 13 including Mrs McCabe who came to watch her 'sexy guy'! .....Pass the sick bucket!
Dressing Room Gossip -  It's come to my attention that the Playstation freaks in this team are organising a Christmas Tournament. Sounds Riveting! Here are some handy tips to get you out of your bedroom.
1 - Have a bath
2 - Put on some nice clothes and go outside
3 - Get Drunk
4 + 5 have been censored by the Internet Police, but they involved Drugs and Girls!!

Now that sounds a lot better than sitting in your bedroom every night playing Playstation doesn't it? I don't like people who play computer games - Parasites to society.

Post Match Drink – A good turnout for the Christmas 'Super Sunday' Party. We got drunk, Chelsea won, Westbury won and the scum lost and then we had a free kebab and chips - What more could you ask for!
Post Match Grub – Mindi Singh treated us to a free Kebab and chip supper at his chippy. Unfortunately, I fell asleep and found mine in my football bag on Monday! Still tasted great though! Nice one Mind!
Funniest Moment – Giving Aaron Austin a lift to the pub, unfortunately he had to go in the boot, wedged between Fozzies speakers as Rob Meyrick cranked up 'Now that's what I call Jungle 42' full blast!

Man of the Match – Rob Meyrick - Superb!

The Match
Westbury Celtic were made to work hard for the three points in a 2-1 victory at Severnside at the start of a Super Sunday which started at Perdiswell and finished at Upton Park!
Derick Adams, Rob Meyrick and Andrea Milicchio earned recalls to the reserves line-up at the expense of Daryl Pulver, Ricky Hastings and Ian Bowman as Oliver O'Donnell's superb free kick separated the two sides at the interval.
As the game opened up in the second period with both sides looking for the crucial second goal it came from the home side on the break. But Westbury came storming back as Milicchio twice missed good chances before Carl Forrester had a perfectly good header ruled out by a poor referee.
But once again it was Martin McCabe who with a crucial goal cutting in from the right before smashing home a 25-yarder in off the post.
Despite late pressure from Severnside, they couldn't find a way past the solid defence of Tredwell, Chance, Meyrick and 'keeper Jenkins.

Northwick Vale 1-1 Westbury Celtic Reserves (BF cup - Westbury won on pens)

Weather - Freezing and wet - at last! Just how I like it.
Attendance - N/A
Dressing Room Gossip -  Hastings - What a mess. Took Mindi Singh's hangover crown.
Post Match Drink – The Castle for the Christmas Raffle - You get out what you put in - Nothing!
Post Match Grub – Nowt!
Funniest Moment – Daryl Pulver again getting his ugly mug in the wars and getting concussed leaving sympathetic physio Woody to treat him.

PW - "Are you alright?"
DP - "Who are you?"
PW - "Are you winding me up?"
DP - "Where are we?"
PW - "What? - How many fingers am I holding up?"
DP - "Four"
PW - "That's close enough, it was two - get back out there"
DP - "Can I sit down?"
PW - "No"
DP - "Can I have a drink?"
PW - No - Pull yourself together"!!

Man of the Match – Sean Jenkins - HERO!

The Match

Sean Jenkins was the Westbury Celtic hero as they booked their place in the last sixteen of the Bernard Finnegan Cup in a thrilling 8-7 penalty shoot-out following a 1-1 draw at Northwick Vale.
Darren Hinton and Daryl Pulver returned for the visitors at the expense of Rob Meyrick and Derick Adams as the reserves pre-,match plans were thrown into chaos with the state of Ricky Hastings, even kicking off with 10 men whilst Woody got him dressed and put his boots on. And it was Hastings who took the brunt of the managers anger as Westbury found themselves a goal down at half-time. Hastings immediately substituted for Steve Barratt.
But the visitors managed to work their way back into the game and missed a golden opportunity to equalise when Mindi Singh blazed over from the spot after O'Donnell was upended in the box before finally Cart Forrester managed to shake off his radioactive poison flu to drive Westbury level on 75 minutes.
Both sides continued to pressure each other end to end but without creating any chances and so it was to the dreaded penalties.
McCabe, Bowman, Singh and Jenkins all netting as Northwick missed their fifth leaving Darren Hinton the chance to become a here on his return.
"He won't miss. He never misses...........F****** Hell! Look where he's put that!"
And so to sudden death as Carl Forrester was next to miss slicing against the post (corner post that is) leaving Jenkins to pull off a fine save to keep them in the tie.
It was now twitchy bum time as up stepped O'Donnell with some words of advice still ringing in his ear.
"Miss this and we'll beat you up!"....O'Donnell duly netted.
With Westbury now running out of people who could actually kick a ball straight, Woody frogmarched Centre Halves Pulver and Tredwell to the spot who both netted and so it was left to Sean Jenkins to pull off another great save to spark Westbury Celebrations.
Now I know how the Germans, Portuguese and the Argies felt!.....Superb!

Kays 3-3 Westbury Celtic Reserves

Weather - Sunny.
Attendance - 14 including our new top boy Dom
Dressing Room Gossip -  Andrea “I started my football career on this ground 20 years ago” Milicchio – Yawn….Really?....Yawn! Also, where the **** was obese teenager Channer?...I’m going to wring your neck, fatty!
Post Match Drink – The Bull, The Castle and then down the Lion for the FA Cup draw. Still one of the greatest events in the sporting calendar (well, I find it exciting anyway!) Ahhh, the look on Austin’s face when the Villa drew Man U! And then the look O’Donnell’s face when the scouser’s drew Arsenal! And finally number 10 will play number 59….Macclesfield Town!....Te he he!
Post Match Grub – Despite being given cooking tips all morning by Woody, the brain cell car of McCabe, O’Donnell and the 2 Austin’s were last seen begging Dom to take them to McDonald’s. (That’s probably where fat Chance was all day!)
Funniest Moment – “I can’t believe Jamie Redknapp is S******* Louise Redknapp” – Why?....They’re married! (Aaron Austin – Sharpest tool in the box!)

Man of the Match – Derrick Adams – God, I wish he was 20 years younger….mind you, so does Becky probably!      

The Match
A dramatic late equalizer from Martin McCabe gave 10-man Westbury Celtic a deserved point in a thrilling 3-3 draw with Kays.
The reserves were missing Mindi Singh, Carl Forrester and Matt Chance which meant recalls for Andrea Milicchio, Barry Austin and Matty Day as they dominated the first half on a boggy pitch. Hastings, Day and O’Donnell all missing chances before a Sean Jenkins howler gifted Kays the opener. But the reserves hit back when Matt Day’s superb through ball found Hastings who slotted home and it was the wonderful sight of Hastings racing away to fire Westbury in front moments later. The boy is back!
But disaster was to strike either side of half time for the visitors. Firstly losing Barry Austin to injury and then Rob Meyrick to a red card for a professional foul leaving the reserves to re-shuffle their defence.
But as Kays equalized from the spot, only superb goalkeeping from Jenkins kept the home side at bay until 10 minutes from time when they went 3-2 behind.
But once again the reserves showed great character and continued to pile forward. Hastings found himself clean through only to have his legs taken as the referee waved play on – not for the first time today, and awful decision from an awful ref with an awful haircut.
Matt Day then saw a thunderbolt palmed out before Martin McCabe turned out to be the Prince of the Cinderella Ground driving home to spark wild celebrations in the dying seconds.
Disappointed to drop points, but once again the player’s commitment and character could not be faulted. Well done boys!
 

Westbury Celtic Reserves 4-2 Kays

DON'T FORGET, IT'S THE CHRISTMAS DO ON SATURDAY - MEET CASTLE AT 6.15 -  A FEW BEERS AROUND DROITWICH - WIVES & GIRLFRIENDS (OR BOTH) WELCOME.......

AND BRING THE RAFFLE TICKETS AND MONEY!!!
 

St Johns 2-4 Westbury Celtic Reserves